Wednesday, May 30, 2007

I won't apologize. I would do it all over again. I could give the "It's not you, it's me.." speech, but that would be false. It's totally you. And, really... you started it. I was sitting here, peacefully internetting when you jumped on my shoulder. THAT IS NOT ALLOWED. If you had been within the allotted size limits, perhaps I would have just brushed you off and felt a little wiggy. That was not to be. You were enormous. You skittered under the pillow on the couch. I had to perform an amazing jumping-off-the-couch-while-saving-the-laptop-and-my-beer-and-yelping-a-bit-movement that has been outlawed in three states since 1913. This meant war. Shoes were put on, glasses were put back on (recited verbally to the cats as steps 1 and 2), pillows were pulled off the couch and couch was pulled away from the wall. The other light came on and I found you, lurking on the back of the futon. Jerk. YOU GO SQUISH NOW! And then... I found your brother. He may have thought he could outlive you and come back to wreck revenge, but he was wrong. The lamp was moved, and HE WENT SQUISH NOW! All large spiders will feel my wrath tonight. Jerks, I can't go to bed yet. I still feel the wiggy, faux tickle of spider legs on my shoulder. errrrk. blech. yish.

Rule #1: All spiders larger than a nickel in diameter will immediately face destruction. Icky black thick ones will have shrieky girly noises included in their destruction.



Beetlegirl said...

i do agree with you on the spiders...the other morning i went to drink from the cup that had sat on the bedside table all night and saw one of those little stinkers who had made himself right at home there, web and all. spiders belong in the garden. on another note, did we ever tell you we had slugs coming up from underneath the toilet in our old house? i know, super gross. to end this on a fuzzy note (not the fuzzy spider leg variety), our wee fuzzy bunny likes to eat spiders she finds in corners, then cleans the web off of her whiskers.

LIONO said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
LIONO said...

Curse those nasty, furry, little bastages. They are freaky, alien creatures that do not belong on our planet. Apache jumping spiders can jump 96 times their own height; that is the equivalent of a 6 ft tall person jumping 576 feet. Some spiders can see over a mile. Spiders are hydraulic. They move by filling and draining fluid sacks in their legs to create a piston-like effect, hence their preternatural movement. All in all they are soulless, godless, blasphemies of nature, deserving to perish by any means imaginable.